OAhhh, my blog. I have missed you.
I want so badly to have a recorder for my mind as I think, to share this journey play by play. Alas, life has gotten the best of me and I cannot. Things are finally stable with Teagan. Thank God. Seriously. I thought the rollercoaster would never end, and I had gotten more than tired of hearing, "It is rare, but it IS Teagan". Things are good with her health. She is growing. Slowly. But she is growing. She is making huge strides in her development and we love seeing her thrive. She is a trip, and I cannot imagine my life without her.
A heart mom recently had chosen to abort based on the in utero diagnosis. Then she changed her mind. They are giving their daughter a chance at life, a chance to be loved. I wept. My heart leapt from my chest. Can you imagine if I had aborted our sweet Peanut?!?!
I can't believe we have survived this past year, that she survived this past year. I can't believe Daddy and I are still standing, together. This is insane. This journey is insane. It isn't even close to over. This whole thing is still so surreal. I question regularly if we are doing everything we can to ensure she has the best quality of life, the best chance at life. Should we move to Philly, or Boston, or even Houston? All Children's Hospital slipped to #38 this year for cardiovascular care. What do I do with that? Ugh. So much to wrestle with.
C-dub is struggling. We cannot decide on how to handle....him. He fights deep depression daily, despite medication, despite faithful prayer, despite loving guidance. I feel him. I have battled depression, anxiety, hopelessness. I have struggled with post-partum depression, more than once. I feel his pain, literally. He is an awesome kid. But how do we help him function? Make basic decisions? He has so many opportunities available to him, with his intelligence, but he cannot make simple decisions on safety and common sense. Oy!
Our family is picking up the pieces of the last year. We are all trying to get back into the routine, loose as it may be, of homeschooling, family life together, church life. We are finally planning things, talking about the future instead of trying to survive today, breathing and knowing that it.will.be.okay. There are many deep effects of this journey, but we are healing, together, through God.
I have been mourning. Every couple months it seems God calls babies home in droves. I pray so hard as I see these things happening, fearing at the same time that I will need the prayers for my peanut. Ryker, Liam, Castan....so many that I think of on a regular basis, so many families who don't even realize that I still pray for them.
My kiddos pray for people they have met along the way. I wonder if those people know that. C-dub regularly prays for "Alan" and "the girl who lost her legs". I have no idea who those people are, but I know he does, that God does.
I am so proud of my family. Hearing the news of Teagan's heart nearly ripped us apart. It also has brought us together. I am so excited, beyond thrilled, to see my sisters and their families back in church. I cannot express the joy. My oldest sister picked up my kids every week for Awanas at her church as we were still inpatient, and the kids made new friends that they will always love.
Money has been tight, tighter than I can remember it being in a long, long time. We were paying for at least two trips a day to the hospital, every day, food in the hospital, things insurance doesn't like to pay for. I look back and the numbers don't add up. They just don't. Fundraisers were a bust, Daddy's pay was status quo and bonuses missed because he had to take time off. And YET, God provided. It has been crazy. And amazing. Our bills have been paid. We are bare bones, no cable, no home phone, no extras. A lot of that has been by choice, some has been by necessity. But still, the numbers shouldn't add up with all the extra expenses this past year. Honestly, they still don't. But God is faithful. There is still a lot of debt to pay down...there will be many years of paying on it, but the bills are not late. He provides.
I love my kids. Like, intensely love my kids. My life is devoted to them. I miss civilization, working and climbing the ladder, socializing with other adults. I yearn for the things of this world, just as we all do. And then a daughter prays a prayer, asking for more time in the word....at 8 years old....and God reminds me of my calling. No, I don't get to go to the gym or out for girls night or even on a date with my husband. BUT I am so encouraged by the prayers of my children, the innocent words they speak as they talk to God. He has called me here. He has asked me to have the number of children He has determined. I falter. I doubt. I question day by day. I am so unfaithful. And yet, this is my calling.
I have friends. Yowza, do I have friends. The body of Christ has surrounded me in ways that I am baffled by. I have girlfriends who will lift me up, remind me of where I am supposed to be, draw me back to Him. I get lost, lured by the things of this world, wondering if I am missing out. Oh, how wrong I am. God is so good, all the time.
I haven't gotten to write, which is hard for me. I long to speak to the world, to share the gift God has given me. I used to be wary of sharing my works, doubted the gift God has given me. I vow to invest more time in my blog, one way or another. I know this is part of God's calling on my life. And I vow to chase more fully after Him. Ahhh, how He fulfills me.