Anyway, again I have waited too long to write. I wanted to but became aware of the fact that *everyone* can read it. That is hard for me. My writing is so personal, a part of me, and if you don't know me personally I feel a certain safety in that.
My wall was breeched. I felt vulnerable. I felt like an idiot thinking I could put my words to paper and not have them read. I know, sounds weird.
Point is, trust me when I say I chose to stay away.
And truth is, I have a lot to write but have not felt any of it would glorify Christ. I mean, not that it would be bad, per se. Just that I didn't have the profound message I want to permeate my writing. Wow. How selfish and arrogant of me. I realize that now. Man how the flesh can work its way in so easily.
And so I write. About what, who knows. We will see where this leads. ;)
As we speak my 9 year old daughter is singing Teagan to sleep, just because she wants to. She fought the 8 year old to do it, after the 13 year old came and asked if he could help. My kids are awesome, in spite of me.
Teagan has a new trick. She peeks over her crib bumper at me.
I can't help but laugh every time because she can. She can put a little weight on her arms (finally), push that bumper down, and yell at me to come pick her up. Man I love that firecracker! To think this time last year I had made peace with losing her. I remember giving God control (like he needs my permission!) and being torn between the choice of fighting for her life or letting her stop dealing with the pokes, the procedures, the sepsis, the struggle to breathe. And look at her now. Wow. Y'all have no idea exactly how good our God is.
What to do? I feel like I am at an en passé with my children and their education. I don't doubt the good we are doing homeschooling, EVER, but still, this was not my plan. If I had my choice, I would homeschool the early years and at middle school, high school at the latest, transition them into private Christian school. Money is tight with special needs children, though. We aren't rich by any means, and any extra cash is usually dumped back into the kids. Yesterday was my birthday and Daddy asked what I wanted....not functional, just fun for me. I had nothing. Nothing. I want my kids to be healthy and happy. I would lose my eyesight, hearing, appendages to have them happy and healthy and growing in The Lord. Seriously. This last year has been rough and I can honestly say it makes you evaluate every.little.thing. I want only what is best for my kids. I will move, sacrifice, work 8 jobs, whatever it takes. Easy to say but do we really mean it when it comes down to the wire? Seriously. How far would you go? Food for thought.
My laptop died. A sweet friend is going to try to salvage my pictures, but man what a heartache. It was what I did everything on for the last 5-6 years and now it is gone. Another excuse not to write. I refuse to cave to Satan's goals of stymying my words. Sounds dramatic, but I know that is his goal.
Our hospital finally got Beads of Courage. I am jealous because, while our people would hook us up, I lost count of the nightmare pokes and prods and cuts and stitches and procedures and...well, I lost count somewhere in her fourth month. Part of me is pissed because she missed being a part of the program because, darn it, she earned those stupid beads that signify so much more than a string of pretties. That girl. Septic several times, collapsed lungs more times than I can remember, 7 failed picc line placements before having the surgeon place one with a cutdown....all before her first open heart surgery and long before she hit 6lbs. Gah. Yeah, know you know why I haven't finished my last post.
We have been talking about theology a lot lately, my husband and I. We have gotten out of the habit of praying together and studying the word together. Gotta change that. It has been intense. It has been deep. Been good. My husband is smart. He is a lot of things, but he is smart and I love that about him. I know we can talk, challenge one another, and when he feels a conviction I know I should listen. That is a humbling and warm feeling.
My husband, he is amazing. He isn't perfect, but he is the total 100% right fit for me. He respects my strong personality and listens to me while leading this incredible family we have built. He wants so many things for himself, but you will rarely hear of them as he works hard for his family and to support the ones he loves. He is a putzer. He putzes, and messes, and "mentions" things. And I listen and strive to meet those "things". And he putzes some more. We are an old couple in our 30s. He loves to remind me that I am a whole 8 months older than him. Ha! We lay in bed at night giggling and being stupid after the lights are out then he fusses at me for "keeping him up" when he has to get up early.
Ahhhh, what is the point of all of this? Who knows. I have something profound to say somewhere in the future. Today, I am writing. I am on my phone, no less, and at least I am writing. Tomorrow, who knows.