***I may or may not be writing this in my van in the parking lot of Chik-fil-a. I may or may not be here trying to soothe my belly with a cup of chicken noodle soup as I fight back the urge to vomit. I may or may not hate even the world's nice dentist because I am terrified of dentists, therefore causing nausea, trembling, and excessive sweating. I may or may not wish I could deliver a baby drug free rather than go to the dentist. This hysteria may or may not be over a cleaning. Yeah.***
I have had so much on my mind lately and for once haven't felt I could even write. Not that I have had time. After the Synagis shot made Teagan ill and puking, then two stomach bugs swept through our house....yeah, well me and my washing machine are best buds again.
I work hard to be open, honest, and I strive to be transparent. I am also not perfect.
I lost a friend last week, a heart momma. I have prayed for her daughter hard through some thick and scary stuff. We have talked God and why we shouldn't be angry at Him for our kids having half a heart. She has emailed encouraging words and offered strength in some rough times with Teagan.
And then she was gone.
No notice or explanation. Just posted a vague status and unfriended me on Facebook. I asked in the status if she was intentional in this and she confirmed it.
And what caused the "breakup" you ask? I post too many articles and statuses about researching before you vaccinate. This particular post mentioned that the majority of parents (and doctors for that matter) do not even jnow what is in shots before giving them to their children, and that upset me. It made her feel like because she chooses to vaccinate that I was judging her as a mother.
I was devastated. I have never met this momma in person but this heart world forges friendships and bonds I never knew could be accomplished over the Internet. I cried. Hard. Like, ugly-thank-God-I-am-alone crying. I made several comments on the status as I was slammed and attacked by her non mutual friends. I was floored and hurt how comments could be made about someone none of those people even knew, about a status I posted that none of them had even read. I took it personally. Instead of turning the other cheek I volleyed back and forth and probably didn't keep my tongue like Christ would expect me to. I felt anger and I wanted to make sure those people (whom I have never met) felt my anger and rage.
My honesty and openness worked against me in the end. My pride and flesh won against my tongue, and I am publicly admitting it because I need to. I need to own the fact that I failed, miserably. I reacted in my anger rather than show Christ-like character. And I am truly so very sorry.
My son has been singing a song we heard in church yesterday nonstop. And God has worked through that song more this anything to remind me, ever so lovingly...."I am so unworthy, but still He loves me"....
What makes me better than those who were slamming me? Who am I to "judge back" those who hurled insults at a faceless enemy they had never met, that I never met? Talk about hypocrisy! I don't want to ever be put on a pedestal and fall, so I am sharing it here and now in the open, posting on Team Teagan so no one feels like I am something I am not. I am a sinner, plain and simple. Maybe it wasn't murder, but it makes me just as unclean and in need of a Savior. It also makes me that much more mindful and thankful that Jesus shed his blood for me and I am redeemed from my mistakes time and again.
No, I don't vaccinate. I don't believe in circumcision. I don't believe medicine is the first and only answer when we are sick. I don't send my kids to a brick and mortar school and instead believe parents are the best teachers a child can have.
And I love those you don't think like me. I have done everything I just said I don't believe in at some point. And while I believe I am right in my choices, I also know that once upon I time I thought I was right making the opposite choices. I won't judge you for trying to be the very best parent you can possibly be for your children, even if that looks different than me trying to be the very best parent I can possibly be for my children. It is ok to disagree. Respect, people. Love one another like Christ loves us.
Oh, and educate before you vaccinate. ;)